Concept X!!!!!!!1!11!!! (a parody!!!!!!)

I apologize for the length of the following work. I composed it months ago but didn’t have a good context for which to post it. In lieu of my recent rant about motivational speakers, this seems appropriate. The following is a subtle parody of motivational speaker presentations and the whole get rich quick culture. my only fear is that it may be too subtle. I was actually hoping to produce this in an audio format, ah well, c’est la vie.

Scene: The seatless auditorium is packed with a mass of people, some hopeful, others skeptical, everyone waiting for the show to get on the road. The overhead lights dim, sinking the masses into an indistinguishable grey, stage lights come up and the announcer begins in a booming voice. “You’ve seen him on TV, You’ve probably read his books, You’ve all gathered to hear wisdom from the life guru himself. I present to you…. Bob!!!!”

A confident looking guy dressed in jeans and and loose fitting button up white shirt steps up on stage into the spotlight.

“Hello! Welcome! Thank you for being here today. I know you have all traveled from around the world, some of you have made great sacrifices to be here. Regardless of how far you have traveled, you are still sacrificing time out of your already busy lives to watch this presentation and for that I am grateful. Because you are ready to receive what is in this presentation, you are here today, and that makes you special.

You people don’t know how lucky you are to be here today. My name is Bob and I (dramatic pause) Used to be just like all of you. I know exactly how you feel and why you are here because I used to be in your same position. I remember what that is like. I felt lost and confused. I didn’t know where to turn for truth. Because of that I used to be disappointed with my life. I used to suffer depression. I was tired all the time. I felt like my life was going nowhere. I was eating poorly, and was unhappy with my body image. I had no luck with romance and my sex life was constrained to shamefully pleasuring myself in lonely desperation with online images. Worst of all, I hated doing the thing I did to get money to survive. Because I was in your position, I know exactly what your life is like. Isn’t it terrible?!

But then I discovered Concept X and it changed my life. I sleep better, I eat more healthily, tastes, sights and sounds are more vibrant and enjoyable, I have gotten to my ideal body weight, I have more energy, I’m less depressed, I have way more free time to pursue the dreams I’ve always wanted to pursue. I now have fulfilling relationships with my romantic partner and find myself very sexually satisfied. But best of all because of Concept X, I make enough money to support my life doing exactly those things that I am good at and want to pursue. That is teaching people like you, people who I used to be like, To be like me, as I am now today.

And it is because of Concept X that you are here today. Somewhere deep in yourself you have already known that there is some secret out there, that if you could just tap into it, that you too would have the power to enjoy your life. Well I’m here to offer you that secret, the knowledge you need to make your life amazing.

I know what some of you are thinking though, some of you think your life is already pretty good. You’re wondering if you wasted your time coming here today. You are wondering if I have anything really valuable to actually offer you. Well, there was some times that I thought something similar. In the early days when I started to embrace Concept X, I thought my life may be good enough and that I doubted any need to go any further… Boy was I wrong. Had I stopped pursuing my study of Concept X when I had those doubts, I would have missed out on so many other amazing benefits that I now enjoy daily. Even if you think you’re life is good now, you are probably just deceiving yourself a little out of fear to take the next step in your life. So I encourage you to stick around, because Concept X can help out anyone.

Literally it can help out anyone. You see me, I’m not special or remarkable in any way whatsoever. I am just like you, or I was before I discovered Concept X and it transformed me completely. But that is all it takes is a little discovery and then Concept X can pervade your entire life if you continue to pursue it, and it will make you a much better person. And it is simple. In fact Concept X is so simple that I’ve often been completely baffled why people haven’t already implemented Concept X in their lives.

I’m even more baffled that people haven’t already transformed their lives with Concept X when you take into consideration that Concept X is an eternal principle that has been around since the dawn of humanity. Early Philosophers have all described Concept X, though they may not have known it. Concept X has gone by many different names, you may even be familiar with these names but I’m not going to confuse things right now by going into that. I believe that all the different names and ways of viewing Concept X are the very reason why it hasn’t already worked its way into everyone’s lives. People look around and see all these different things and names and words and they get confused trying to sort it all out, and then they get tied up with the words that describe Concept X, and then they get into arguments with other people who are also doing their best to follow Concept X. And Because of these arguments the power of Concept X is diluted in the lives of so many people.

But today I’ll give you Concept X in a more pure form, a form that is super easy to understand. You are going to walk away from this presentation today wondering why you didn’t already know and understand Concept X. But you will also walk out of here today armed with the knowledge to start your journey into implementing Concept X into your lives.

But first before I get into this, I must give you some warnings. When you start to practice Concept X, you must understand that it isn’t going to be easy. You see, there is another reason why Concept X isn’t already wide spread, why it hasn’t already reached out to everyone and changed everyone’s lives. Concept X is such a powerful force that it would fundamentally change the foundation of our society. There are lots of people who have gotten into power, people who may have even used Concept X in their lives, but then when they got into power they knew that if everyone else had access to Concept X, that they would lose their advantage over other people, they would lose their power and control over society. So these powerful people formed powerful entities and organizations to obscure the teachings of Concept X, to mislead people and tell them that there is no Concept X.

These people would try to have me silenced, financially ruined, or killed (if the law would allow it) if they knew that I was sharing Concept X with all of you. These same people and their institutions have had power for so long that they have successfully brainwashed whole generations of people into believing that what they see is what they get, to be satisfied with the status quo and to not stand up and challenge societal norms. At the beginning of this Presentation I said you were special, and you are. You may have told your friends and family that you are coming to this presentation and invited them to come along. If they  aren’t here with you now, they probably told you that they don’t believe in Concept X or anything like it. Or they told you that they were happy with their lives. They were not ready to receive Concept X because they will have to overcome a lifetime of brainwashing before they will even consider it.

Sadly there isn’t a lot you may be able to do for those people. You and I know the kind of pain and suffering that they are going through in their lives, but until they learn to recognize it themselves and honestly admit that they aren’t happy with life, they won’t ever come any closer to the truth of Concept X. But don’t worry, those people get what they deserve. They aren’t really truth seekers, they aren’t enlightened like you. You will always seek the truth and will never be satisfied with the narratives that were manufactured by powerful people and fed to you by society all your life. Those people are the living dead, the drones, robots, and sheeple.

Don’t be surprised when they see all the benefits and happiness in your life that you will have when you start really practicing Concept X, and they start to push you away in order to avoid the cognitive dissonance that is going on in their brain. You will be to them like an anomaly, they won’t be able to comprehend how you are doing what you are doing because you will be doing things contrary to their so called “conventional wisdom”. They will try to convince you that you are going to fail by embarking on the course you must travel in order to follow Concept X. They will reject your fervent pleadings that they join you in your joyous journey. When this happens, and mark my words, it will happen, it will be a sad thing, and you should feel sad that your friends and family aren’t joining you in this wonderful stage of your life, but don’t be afraid to cut ties with those toxic people in your life and seek to find better communities.

Perhaps you should start here, make some friends, share your joy in Concept X, exchange information, try to find people who live in your local area, and use each other as support for the hard times that will undoubtedly be in your future. Because things will be hard at first when you start to follow Concept X.

Concept X will change your life. Change can be hard. You may have to change everything. You may have to change your sleep schedule, you may have to cut your romantic relationships in favor of better ones, more in line with Concept X, you may have to change what you eat, you will most likely eventually have to quit your job and find a better occupation that will pay your bills. But you know what, it will be worth it.

In fact, the ways in which you may have to change are so numerous that I don’t think I will be able to cover them all in one presentation. You may have to get more specialized training especially if you are finding certain parts of Concept X difficult to understand. I’d love to be there through your entire journey into learning the ins and outs of Concept X, but you know, Concept X has opened so many avenues of possibility in my life that I could easily go make so much money elsewhere doing other things. But I don’t want to do that because, unlike those evil powerful people who want to keep this knowledge from you, I want you to be empowered like I have been empowered in my life. And so because this takes so much time in my life to do this kind of amazing work, I am offering many different workshops, books, and other media to go deep into the depths of Concept X and explain every last step of how to live your life. And I am offering you all of these at very reasonable prices considering the amazing benefits that Concept X will be in your life in the end.

I don’t want to leave you with nothing though. So I will give you the first principles of Concept X. Concept X, at its deepest and most fundamental core, boils down to these principles. “Follow your inner voice and stop buying into the corrupt philosophies that are being preached in popular society today. Focus on Love and banish fear from your life. And Avoid things you don’t want to do, Start doing things you really want to do.” You see, Concept X is just that simple. If you apply it in your life you are sure to find truth, happiness and fulfillment in life. If you don’t believe me, go ahead and look at the testimonials of the many people who have pursued Concept X with me in my life’s journey’s.”

I hope you enjoyed that despite the length. Actually, if you didn’t gouge your eyes out halfway through, or put your fist through your screen, I’ll consider you a person of above average restraint. Of course, if you just gobbled up the last 2000 words of garbage and think that I have some Concept X to give you… Well, then just please do us all a favor and… I don’t know what… Grow up?

Anyway, My thanks to the two guys who favorited my last post, they must have read at least enough of me to have the decency not to “follow” me per my request. One of them writes pretty humorous freeverse(? i’m no expert, correct me) poetry. The other one writes pretty insightful, not overly libertarian political writing. I don’t think I will be a devoted Follower, but I’ll drop by and comment/like/whatever sometime, provided I’m not swamped with prepping for the CompTia A+, learning to program C# and Java, or making and marketing various awesome kitchen gadgets.

The Audience