I’ve been busy, and depressed… I’ll be back
I know that I have been away from this blog for the last several months. I’m not here apologizing or asking forgiveness, not that there is anyone really to apologize to considering my audience consists of a broad Zero members. But I think I am beginning to get back into the mental space where I will have energy to push through the hard times where I would rather not write. These last several months I have been progressing through the final stages of grief. Ironically I didn’t even realize I was going through the stages of grief till I played this game from DigiPen game design college. It wasn’t some huge revelatory moment, there were no tears or emotional movement as I was playing through the final levels. I just realized at the end that the words accurately described the stages of my last year. I especially connected with the whole denial, anger and depression. I can’t recall all that much bargaining, particularly because I am losing my faith in any sort of will-bearing higher power that could intervene in my life, but that is another story. The other four stages really fit the bill.
When I moved home, well, moving home was not the intent. I meant to move closer to home to go to college in state where they had a better academic program for my interests. But everything fell through, and I ended up a lot closer to home than I would have hoped, living back under my parent’s roof with no income to speak of and no degree to boost my chances of gaining employment, an arrangement that I knew instantly would not work out well.
I denied for months that this was the new reality, trying desperately to pursue the original ill founded dream that brought me back to my home state. I searched for employment in a city hours away from where I was living, trying to clean up and make livable a place that was suffocating of mold, and still nearly an hour commute from the college. Employers wouldn’t consider me unless they were themselves a scam and a pyramid scheme. And as for the living space, it was not becoming livable any time soon.
I became angry. I became angry at myself for taking such a blind and risky leap, at my parents for their unwillingness (possibly inability) to even empathize with my situation as they dished out old economy advice, hell I even was/am mad at the economy, at shitty corporate entities who won’t pay their workers a livable wage. I became angry at, well, pretty much everything, except my wife.
To cope with the anger, I pretty much drowned myself in video games and depression. For the last several months I’ve had a chicken and egg argument going in my brain, does the depression make me play video games, or does the games make me depressed. It has been rather confusing and difficult to get out of. Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those kooks trying to say video games are harmful, but I do recognize that I was using them in order to cope, the same as most people use drugs or alcohol to cope with the stress in their life. Just like I believe people can use drugs or alcohol in a positive and recreational manner, I believe the same is true of video games. I’ll admit now that I am starting into the acceptance phase that I was using video games in an abusive manner to hide away and keep from having to face all the shit my life has been going through.
And just a week or two ago, it is like the pressure has been lifted off my soul a little bit. Maybe it is the seasonal affective disorder wearing off, but I feel at least less like I want to eat a bullet. It could also be related to the fact that we are making forward progression out of the financial shit hole that we have been stuck in for the last year. My wife finally found a job that doesn’t appear to jeopardize her health and keeps at a manageable pace, but also affords us enough to rent a place (it will probably be a super small place once we find another one open up. But it won’t be under my parents roof : ) And I have a job prospect that will pay me a livable wage working for a corporation that doesn’t treat it’s employees like shit second class citizens by using third party contracting agencies that give no real benefits.
“But” you say, “Aren’t the stages of grief for when you lose someone close to you? Who died?”
I think in some part, my God died, or my dreams. I think that you can go through the stages of grief when you have a major paradigm change, part of you dies and makes room for something that perhaps you didn’t think you could live with. Anyway. So yeah, that is the gist of what I’ve been doing during this last year where I’ve made a grand total of what, 3 posts… I need to get back on the horse.. Oh, and I’ve been making these guys for funzies.
(please note the detail that I actually put into these guys, the first four were done completely in a 32×32 pixel block before resizing… but I corrected the shading dependant on them facing right or left. notice that the last four aren’t simply mirror images, I even moved the antenna. just saying. not bad for my first pixel art animation attempt… This was mostly for practice so I can learn how to implement sprite sheets into a video game. Anyway, </distracted rambling>)
I have got a lot of projects at various stages of in brain development. This blog is one of them. I hope to re-design/ re-launch this place. I just have to find some good material. More on that soon. I promise.